Jokes and Riddles
Jokes/riddles
that try not to make fun of anyone?
BARS & BARTENDERS
A grasshopper walks into a bar, hops
up on a barstool, orders a beer. Bartender says,
"Hey, you know, we have a drink named after you. Grasshopper says,
"You have a drink named Steve?"
Two atoms are sitting at a bar.
Atom 1: "Hey! I think I lost
an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "I'm positive."
A neutron walks into a bar.
The bartender says "For you,
no charge!"
A considerate skeleton walks into a
bar and says:
"Bartender, I'll have a
beer... and a mop"
Penguin walks into a bar, goes to
the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother?".
The barman replies, "What does
he look like?".
A rabbi, a horse, and an astronaut
walk into a bar.
The barman looks at the three of
them and says "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"
Did you hear about the woman who
walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre?
The barman gave her one
An oyster goes into a bar and pulls
a mussel.
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender asks, "Why the
long face?"
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says `Why the long face?'. The horse says `I've just been reading about the economy,
and I think that my stock portfolio may be in trouble.
Two guys walk into a bar.
Which is odd,
because you would think at least one of them would have seen it first.
A guy walks into a bar.
He says, "Ouch!"
A horse walks into a bartender.
A polar bear walks into a bar and
says, "I'll have a gin.................................... and
tonic." The bartender says, "Why the long pause?" And the polar
bear says, "I don't know. I've always had them".
A termite walks into a bar and
says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A pirate walks into a bar with a
steering wheel in his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey
pirate, why have you got that steering wheel in your crotch?" The pirate
says, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"
I'm too tired to type out any good
jokes at the moment, but I do have advice for delivery: Practice Practice Practice.
Oh, and a man walks into a bar ... and it hurt.
An angry drunk turns to his
companion at the bar. "Nobody ever listens to me!" he says.
"Yeah," his friend replies, "me neither."
A number eighteen walks into a bar
and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't serve
you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the
number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 21,"
replies the barman.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman
and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a
great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say
liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love
liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate
liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the
A serious drunk walked into a bar
and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked
over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately
apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look
exactly like her."
"Why you worthless,
insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered,
"you even sound exactly like her."
A seal walks into a bar and asks
the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal,
"What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything
but Canadian Club."
A golf club walks into a local bar
and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him.
"Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving
later," replies the bartender.
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a
bar. The bartender says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back
to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a
dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says,
"Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd
better try petting him first."
This guy walks into a bar with a
frog on his head.
The bartender says, "Hey,
what's that?"
To which the frog replies "I
don't know. It started as a wart on my bum and this happened."
This duck walks into a bar and the
bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."
A five-dollar bill walks into a
bar. Bartender says, "Get outta here; this is a
singles bar."
A man walks into a bar with a roll
of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the
road."
Two blondes walk into the
bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it !
Q: Why is everyone on the roof of
the bar?
A: Drinks are on the house.
Two jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "You guys
better not start anything in here."
A hippopotamus walks into a bar and
orders a beer. "That will be $7.50 please" says the bartender. So the
hippo gives the money and starts to sip his beer. "You know we don't very
many hippos in here" mutters the bartender.
The hippo replies, "At these
prices it's no wonder!"
A guy walks into a bar where there
is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and
approaches her. He says "Would you like to dance?" and she replies
"I really don't like this song. And even if I did I wouldn't dance with you."
To which the guy replies "I don't think you heard me correctly. I said you
look fat in those pants."
At
A guy walks into a bar, sits down,
and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a
voice say,
"Wow! You look GREAT
tonight!"
The man looks over at the bartender
who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he
hears something again!
"That's an awesome shirt! You
are amazing!"
He looks around and he's the only
guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the
bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?"
And the man
replies, "Good things, why?"
And the bartender says, "It
must have been the complimentary nuts."
Guy walks into a bar and notices
two large pieces of meat stuck to the ceiling. So he asks the barman why
they're there. The barman says, "Well, its part of a little game. You've
got to try and get those down from the ceiling without using a chair or a pool
cue or anything else. If you manage, I'll give you $200. But if you try it and
you don't succeed, you've gotta give me
$200."
So the guy eyes up the ceiling for a while, and eventually turns back to the
barman and says, "No, I'm not going to try it." Of course, the barman
says, "Why not? Look it's easy, all you've gotta
do is get them down off the ceiling." And the guy shakes his head and
says, "No, no, I can't do it. The stakes (steaks) are too high."
An Englishman, Irishman and a
Scotsman walk into a bar...
Bartender: "Is this some kind of joke?!"
A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't
serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I
just want a drink."
Bear walks into a bar, says:
"I'd like a scotch and soda please."
Bartender says: "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve
bears in this bar"
So I'm out at a bar, and this
hooker comes up to me and orders a drink. While she's waiting for the bartender
she leans over and whispers in my ear "baby, I'll do anything you want for
$300, as long as you can describe it in three words or less."
I'm a bit taken aback, but the offer is simply too good to refuse. So I take
out my wallet, count out three bills and say "Paint... My...
House."
A guy has a very smart dog, a
retriever. Over the years, he trained the dog to buy his beer. The routine was
that he'd slip a $5 bill under the dog's collar, and the dog would trot down to
the corner bar, where the barman knew to take the $5 and give the dog a
six-pack of cheap beer in a brown paper bag. The dog would then trot back home
with the bag in his mouth.
One night, the guy finds he hasn't got a $5. So instead, he takes a $20 and
slips it under the collar, figuring the barman will slip the change back under
the collar. Off the dog went. After a few minutes, no dog.
The guy waits another few minutes -- still no dog. He pulls on his boots and
heads out toward the corner bar, looking all over the streets and yards -- no
dog. Finally, he arrives at the bar, pulls open the door, and sees the dog
sitting up on the barstool, drinking a vodka gimlet.
"What is this?" The guy says, dumbfounded. "You never did this
before!" To which the dog replies:
"I never had the money before." […render this last line with great
resentment and bitterness].
A byte goes into the bar. The
bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"
"Parity error," says the byte.
"Yeah," says the bartender, "you looked a bit off."
Some literary bartender jokes:
William Shakespeare: Walks into a
pub
Landlord says: "Oi! Out of here, you! You're Bard!"
~~~
Charles Dickens: Please, sir,
I'd like a martini.
Bartender: Sure thing. Olive or twist?
James Joyce: I'll take a Guinness.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here yesterday.
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: And he asked for a martini and I said, "Olive or twist?"
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: You see, it's funny because he wrote a book called "Oliver
Twist."
James Joyce: What a shitty joke.
Ernest Hemingway: Gin.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here two days ago.
Ernest Hemingway: Joyce already told me that story. Fuck off.
Franz Kafka: I'd like a mineral water.
Bartender: Olive or twist?
Franz Kafka: I can't digest solid food.
Mark Twain: Give me a brandy.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens came in the other day and ordered a martini.
Mark Twain: Did he take an olive or twist? Ha ha ha!
Bartender: (tearful) You did that on purpose, didn't
you?
Virginia Woolf: I'll take your second-best cognac and
unadulterated experience.
Bartender: We don't have that. This is a bar.
Virginia Woolf: Patriarchy! (drowns)
HUNTERS
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
[British scientists claim this joke is the funniest non-offensive joke, but it's arguably making fun of hunters.]
Fella goes duck hunting out in the
country, and spends the whole day without seeing a single duck. Finally, as the
sun is setting, he spies a single duck flying away from him, and he shoots it
down just before it passes out of sight. Excitedly, he runs off into the brush,
hops a fence, finds the duck and scoops it up triumphantly.
"Hey there!" calls a voice, "that's my
duck!"
The hunter turns to see a very large farmer looming up behind him.
"No it's not, I just shot it!" exclaims the hunter.
"Well, it's on my land, so it's my duck. I reckon we'll have to settle
this country-style," the farmer said gravely.
"Country style?"
"Yep. First I kick you in the nuts, and then you kick me in the
nuts. And we keep taking turns until someone gives."
The hunter reluctantly agrees, and the farmer takes a dozen steps back, runs up
to the hunter and kicks him square in the balls as hard as he can. The hunter
crumples to the ground, reeling. Minutes pass, and finally the hunter can
muster the strength to stand.
"Okay," croaks the hunter, "my turn."
"Nah, you can have the duck."
Wordplay:
Q. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: So, a ghost went out and bought a house. What was the very next thing he had to buy?
A: Homemoaners Insurance.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. Chocolate cake.
Q. Why did the octopus cross the road?
A. Because it was nailed to the chicken.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
What did the Zero say to the Eight?
Hey! Nice belt!
A man goes into a psychiatrist's office, dressed only in clingfilm.
The psychiatrist says,
“Well I can clearly see you're nuts.”
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Dr
Dr who?
HA HA HA HA HA HA you said it already
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a man floating in the sea?
Bob.
Q: What did
A: A
What did
The same thing
There's a tray of muffin tins in an oven being baked. One muffin turns to another and says, "Man, it's really getting hot in here." The second muffin responds, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
Q. What do you call an Indian man flying a plane?
A. A pilot.
Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Easy, unique up on it.
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way, unique up on it.
KNOCK KNOCK
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupti-
Now you say, “MOOOOOO”
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co—
Now you say "control freak who?"
"Hey I've got a great knock-knock joke."
"Oh yeah? Let's hear it."
"Ok. You start it."
"Ok. Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
...
"Oh. I see."
What's new?
C over lambda!
My dog has no nose!
How does he smell?
Awful!
There were two peanuts walking down the street,
and one of them was assaulted!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
What did one Seeing Eye dog say to the other Seeing Eye dog?
“Trade you.”
Restaurant setting, again, with fresh squid in a tank, a kitchen-boy called Hans, and a maitre d' called Gervais. One of the squid never gets chosen as it is slightly green, has a bit of a moustache, and is shy so it lurks at the bottom of the tank. When finally picked, neither the maitre d' nor the kitchen boy can bring themselves to kill what has become their favourite squid:
"Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with mild green furry lipped squid".
A shaggy dog story (or shaggy horse story):
A big horse and a little horse lived together in a pasture. Every day, they would race around the field near the fence lines, and the big horse always won. So one day, the little horse said, "I don't want to race anymore, because you always win." "Suit yourself," said the big horse. But, the little horse started getting up early in the morning to exercise. He lifted weights, did pushups, ran sprints, and so forth. Finally, he decided he was in good enough shape to beat the big horse. "Tomorrow morning, let's race around the pasture again like we used to," he said to the big horse. And so, they did. For three quarters of the race, the little horse was slightly ahead, and in the home stretch he started to pull even farther in front. But just before the finish line, the big horse just increased the length of his strides and won by half a length. The little horse, severely disappointed, went off to sulk. Later that day, a chicken on the other side of the fence spoke to the big horse: "Why did you have to do that? You know the little horse has been working out for weeks to get strong enough to beat you. You could have let him win, just this once, couldn't you?" The big horse looked at the chicken and said, "I didn't know chickens could talk."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
Two cannibals are eating a tourist, each starting from opposite ends.
“This is delicious, I’m having a ball.”
"Hey, slow down, you’re eating too fast.”
Two sausages are frying in a pan. One sausage turns to the other and says, "Wow, it's really hot in here!". The other sausage jumps up and says, "AHHHH! A talking sausage!".
Also, the handicapped parrot.
What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?
A dead baby nailed to a puppy.
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone!
What was the question again?
What's the difference between a termite and a refrigerator?
One eats the houses and the other houses the eats.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
CHICKEN OUTLAW
"Why did the chicken cross
the road?" is a timeless classic.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the
road?
A: Because it's a timeless
classic.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the
road?
A. To show the armadillo it could
be done.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the
playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
Q: What's E.T. short for?
A: Little legs.
Q: Why don't the French ever eat two eggs?
A: Because to them, one egg is un oeuf.
Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dacshund?
A: He wanted to get a long, little doggy.
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
A: Eliphino (Say it out loud.)
Q: What has eight legs and eats ants?
A: Four uncles or two anteaters
Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?
It was charged with battery.
There are two penguins in a bathtub. The first penguin looks at the second and says, “Hey! Will you hand me the soap?”
The second penguin replies, “What do I look like, a typewriter?”
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
Buck an ear.
Why does an elephant wear red sneakers?
So he can hide in a cherry tree.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
No?
Then it works, doesn't it?
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: NACHO CHEESE!!!
Frog jokes
What's green & red and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender
How did the frog cross the road?
It was sewn to the chicken
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand....
What's orange and rolls around on the ground?
A wounded Cheetos.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From jumping out of cherry trees
Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted!
DID you know Whoopi Goldberg is marrying the French actor Gerard Depardieu?
She's going to be called Whoopi Depardieu.
Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
The Starship Enterprise crashes and there are no survivors. Starfleet sends a team onboard to find out what happened to the ship. While there, the team investigates all possible areas-- Ten Forward, crew quarters, Jeffries Tubes...finally they get to the bridge.
They examine the Bridge, no clues.
They examine each station on the Bridge-- nada.
They wander into the captains quarters. Nothing.
Finally they get to the captain's bathroom and what do you think they find?
The Captain's Log.
Three ropes are standing outside a bar with a sign above the door that reads, "NO ROPES ALLOWED."
The ropes are indignant.
"Profanity this!" says the first rope as he heads into the bar. He walks up to the counter and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at him.
"Are you a rope?"
"Damn sure I'm a rope!"
The bar tender grabs the rope and throws it out the door.
The second rope sees this and gets uppity. "Can't stop me from drinking in that bar!"
So the second rope heads into the bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender studies him.
"Hey... you're a rope, too!"
"Yeah that's right I'm a rope!"
The bar tenders chucks the second rope out onto the street.
The third rope witnesses this and decides to be clever.
"Watch this, fellas!" he entreats his pals.
The third rope ties himself in a knot and messes up one of his ends.
He then walks into the bar, up to the counter and orders a shot of tequila.
The bar tender looks at him.
"Wait-a-minute... are you a rope?"
"NOPE! I'm a frayed knot!"
Q: What did
A:
Q: What's a foot long and slippery?
A: A Slipper!
(also my penis)
Two cows are grazing together. One says to the other, "By the way, aren't you getting worried about that mad cow disease that's going around?"
The second cow replies, "I don't give a shit - I'm a helicopter."
An indictment: It is impossible to have a joke that does not make fun of someone. All humor is derived from pain; somebody is getting hurt. Even in the most benign jokes, somebody is the butt. If the joke doesn't explicitly name someone to receive the pain, it's either making fun of the teller or the listener for having some set of expectations--and being wrong.
Another dead baby joke:
A pair of foodstuff items are in cooker of some sort
One of the foodstuffs remarks to the other about the acute temperature rise, perhaps alluding to the cooking process, but also perhaps remarking on the environment in general (in telling, try a calm, casual non-chalant devil-may-care tone)
The other other food item, up to now quite mute, reacts to the declaration made by the first item/actor by being starteled by the fact it could, in fact, speak at all. It does so by speaking itself!
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be baygulls! (Bagels, get it?)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle!
How does Snoop get his laundry so clean?
Bleeotch!
What does Snoop Dog wash his t-shirts in?
Bleee-atch!!
What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on a chin? Blowjob
A duck walks into a drug store and says to the sales clerk,
"I need some Chapstick - just put it on my bill."
[also works with sunscreen]
Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says 'Can you smell fish?'
What did one Snowman say to the other snowman?
"Hey -- do you smell carrots?"
There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240Z, but he wants it repainted to read 240-S
The dealer asks, "Why?"
The snail replies, "S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
LIGHT BULB
Q: How many Dadaists does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fish.
Q: How many people from the [SF]
Bay Area does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hella.
How many kids with ADD does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
LET’S RIDE BIKES!
Q: How many economists does it
take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None-- if the lightbulb needed changing, market
forces would have already caused it to happen.
How many Spaniards does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
Juan.
How many Ivy League graduates
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One: He holds the bulb and the
universe spins around him.
How many Illuminati does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and one to confuse
the issue.
How many people does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
Two, but they have to be really,
really small.
Q: How many surrealists does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Aardvarks nibbling the crutch
of Freud
Q: How many software engineers
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a hardware problem!
You can tune a piano, but you can't tunafish.
Q. Whats the best thing about having sex with twenty-six year olds?
Michael Jackson: There are twenty of them.
A duck walks into a convenience store. "Hi," he says, "got any duck food?" "No," replies the clerk. "Okay," the duck says, and leaves. Next day, the same duck walks into the same convenience store. The same clerk is there. "Hi, got any duck food?" asks the duck. "I told you yesterday, no!" the clerk says. "Okay," says the duck, and leaves.
This continues for a couple of days until finally the clerk can't take any more. "Look," he snaps, "we didn't have any duck food yesterday, we don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here and ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the floor!" Then he kicks the duck out of the store.
A few weeks later, the duck comes back. "Hi," he says, "got any nails?" The clerk is taken aback. "No," he replies. "Great!" says the duck. "Got any duck food?"
There was this baby polar bear running around playing away quite happily for a while when he comes to his mother and says "Mummy, am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are dear, now go and play."
A little while later he comes back and says "Mummy, are you QUITE sure I am a real polar bear?"
"Yes dear, I am QUITE sure you are a real polar bear. Now go and play because Mummy is busy, dear."
A little while later he comes back yet again and asks "Mummy, are you POSITIVE that I am a real polar bear?"
"Yes dear, I am positive about that. Your father is a real polar bear father and I'm a real polar bear mummy and you are a real polar bear baby."
"Well, if I am a REAL polar bear, why am I so f**king cold?"
What's the difference between a duck?
Q. What's the difference between
a duck?
A. One leg is both the same,… or,… One of its feet is both the same.
Q. What's the difference between
a duck?
A. American or European duck?
Q. What's the difference between
a duck?
A. Which one?
Q: What's the difference between
a duck?
A: One of its feet is both the
same.
Q: What's the difference between
a duck?
A: Obvious, isn’t it.
Q: What's the difference between
a duck?
A: Nothing.
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
Guy walks into a pet store to get some cat food and as he's walking down the aisle, he passes a parrot cage. The parrot inside says, "psst! Hey buddy!" Guy turns around and says, "yes?" The parrot says, "FUCK YOU!" The man is taken aback, but gets his cat food and goes on.
A week later, the same guy comes back for some more cat food and he walks down the aisle, passes the parrot cage and the parrot says, "Pssssst! Hey, Buddy!" The man warily turns to the parrot and says, "Yes?" The parrot says "FUCK YOU!"
The man asks to speak with the manager and says, "Listen, I don't want to take my business elsewhere but that parrot is rude and offensive." The manager apologizes and assures the man it will NEVER HAPPEN again.
So a week later, the man comes to the pet store for some cat food and he passes the parrot cage and the parrot says, "Psssst! Hey, buddy!" The man slowly turns and says, "what?" The parrot nods and says, "You know what."
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a cucumber?
Elephant cucumber sine theta.
What do you get when you cross and elephant with a mountain
climber?
You can't cross an elephant with a scaler.
What's invisible and smells like bananas?
Monkey farts.
What did one mountain say to the other mountain?
"High!"
A guy was on vacation in
'see that boat? isn't it the finest you've ever seen ?
I built that with my own hands, to my own design, but do you think people
around here call me Manuel the boat-builder? no they dont'
He then pointed to the nearby church
'see the church? if you go in you'll see the most
magnificent painted ceiling outside of the
He now pointed to a beautiful stone wall
'see that wall, its 300 years old and last year it fell down and I restored it
to its original form, I worked on my own for weeks, bringing the stones down
from the mountain, and do you think people round here call me manuel the wall-builder? no they
don't'
he jumped up and stamped his foot in frustration
'ONE sheep I fucked !! ......'
First-year students at
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, with drew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
What's the white stuff in bird poop?
That's bird poop, too.
Three mice are in a bar, bragging about who is toughest. The first mouse downs his whiskey and says, "I go looking for mousetraps. When I find one, I set it off, catch the bar in my mouth, bench press it 50 times to work up an appetite, then take the cheese."
The second mouse downs his tequila and says, "I find those poison traps and get the little pieces of poison out. I grind them up and mix them with my coffee in the morning and it gives me a good buzz."
The third mouse finishes his beer. The other two look at him and say, "Well?"
He replies, "I don't have time for this crap, I'm going home to screw the cat."
Q. Why does Lenin drink peppermint tea?
A. Because all proper tea is theft.
Karl Marx goes to visit his friend Friedrich Engels, they have tea and cake, and Marx excuses himself to use the bathroom. As he flushes the toilet, he hears the unmistakable sound of a string quartet. He shrugs and goes back to Engels.
Over the next few weeks, Marx continues to visit Engels and use his bathroom, and every time he flushes, there's the sound of a string quartet.
Finally he confronts Engels: "Look Friedrich, every time I flush your toilet, I hear a string quartet, what's that all about?"
"Oh that," says Engels, "That's the violins inherent in the cistern."
"A thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold -- how does it know?"
Or possibly the one about the guy writing to the Bombay Zoo:
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses.
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses mongeese.
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses mongeese mongi.
Dear Sir, Please send me a mongoose. On second thoughts, make it two.
Or the routine in Return Of The Pink Panther where there's an old guy and a dog.
Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Old Guy: No, my dog does not bite.
Clouseau pets the dog, which bites him.
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog does not bite?
Old Guy: I did, but that is not my dog.
What did the farmer say when he opened his barn and his plow was missing?
"Where's my plow?"
What do you have if you have a moth ball in each hand?
An extremely large moth.
Why couldn't the fraction take the test?
He was 2/10ths
Q : How is the Pharoah's daughter like a Wall Street broker?
A : Because she took a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
Q: How does a pirate get to work?
A: He takes the arrrrrr train.
Two sharks meet in the desert. One says to the other "Long time no sea".
Q: What's red and goes up and down?
A: A cranberry on an elevator.
What has twelve legs, one eye and stinks of fish?
Three blind mice and half a haddock.
A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby with a red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose coiled in the middle. The wagon is being pulled by a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, and notices that the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little girl," the firefighter says, "I think if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Two friends are hiking in the woods, when they suddenly come across a wide, deep, perfectly round hole in the ground. It is so deep, they cannot see the bottom. Intrigued, one friend finds a pebble and drops it in... silence. The second friend finds a large rock, hefts it over, and pushes it into the hole... silence. Finally, the first friend finds a huge wooden plank, pushes it in, and listens... silence.
Then a goat comes running through the forest at about 60 mph and jumps straight into the hole, disappearing.
As the two friends are taking this in, an old farmer walks by.
Farmer: "excuse me, have you seen my goat?"
Friend: "we saw a goat, but it just ran straight into this mysterious hole."
Farmer: "Oh, then that goat couldn't have been mine. My goat was tied to a huge wooden plank"
[No goats were harmed in the process of telling this joke.]
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed under the sheets. The chicken takes a drag of a cigarette, turns to the egg, and says, "Well I guess this answers that question."
Why do mice have such small balls?
Because very few mice know how to dance.
A lonely man went into the local pet store looking for an unusual pet as a companion. The store owner suggested a centipede. "What sort of a companion would a centipede be?" the man asked. "This is a most unusual centipede,” the store owner said. "He's a great conversationalist and he loves to drink." The man took the centipede home ad put him in a box on the windowsill. That evening the man asked, "Would you like to go out for a beer?" Receiving no response, the man said, "How about it, would you like to join me for a drink at my favorite bar?" Again there was no response, so the man fairly shouted, "Hey, in there! How about going out for a drink?" To which a tiny voice replied, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes."
An angel appeared at a university faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his exemplary behavior, the Lord would reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom. "Done," the angel said, then disappeared. The other faculty members looked at the dean, who was surrounded by a halo of light. One colleague said, "Say something wise. "The dean sighed and said, "I should have taken the money."
Groucho's quip:
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Genocide.
My favorite:
Q: What's loud and sounds like apples?
A: APPLES!!!!!!!
(yelled as loud as you can)
Q: Why don't lobsters share?
A: They're shellfish.
A man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Opens the door, nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the front porch. Huh. He picks it up and chucks it as hard as he can. 3 years later, the man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock. Opens the door. There's a snail on his porch.
Snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"
Why don't you take a Pokemon into the bathroom?
He'll Pikachu! (peek at you)
How do you get Pikachu on the school bus?
You Pokemon (poke-em-on)
Me: Ask me if I'm a watermelon
You: Are you a watermelon?
Me: No
Lassie goes into a telegram office and says to the operator, "Woof woof woof woof woof woof ."
The operator copies it down and says, "You know Lassie can send one more woof for the same price."
Lassie says, "But then it wouldn't make sense."
Q: What kind of flower did Lassie wear to the ball?
A: Cauliflower
"What's a deer with no eyes?"
"No-eye-deer!"
"Railroad Crossing, look out for the cars. Can you spell that without any R's"?
Yes.
T-H-A-T.
Q. What do you call an elephant on a bicycle?
A. Optimistic.
So this baby seal walks into a club. . .
Q. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A. Half a worm.
You know, I had it rough as a kid.
My mother wouldn't breastfeed me,
She said she liked me, but as a friend.
(loosens tie ...)
I grew up in a tough neighborhood,
I tell ya...
We had a children's zoo,
but then the four kids escaped.
[Rodney Dangerfield]
Do you like Kipling?
I don't know, I've never been kippled
When I was a child, my parents told me never to open the cellar door. "Never open the cellar door," the said, and for many years, I obeyed them, although I always wondered what it was that was so dangerous behind the cellar door. And then one day, when there was no one around, I finally got up my courage... I slowly walked over... I put out my hand... and I opened the cellar door. And I saw wonderful things! Amazing things! Trees! The sky! Other children!
Dalai Lama is in
(pause)
Dalai Lama gives the vendor a $20. After a minute the vendor has not given him
his change, so he asks, "where's my change"?
"Change must come from within."
A scientist is testing how far a frog can jump. He places the frog down and yells, "JUMP!" The frog jumps 12 feet. Then the scientist cuts off one of the frog's legs and runs the test again. "JUMP!" The frog jumps 6 feet. He cuts off the second leg, places the frog down and yells, "JUMP!" The frog goes nowhere. Conclusion: when both of frog's legs are cut off, frog cannot hear.
What kind of bees give milk? BOO BEES!
Q. Where do you find a leg-less turtle?
A. Wherever you left it!
Did you hear about the pirate movie? no? it's rated ARRR!
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its' paws, and a comma
is a pause at the end of a clause.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who just won an award for being out standing in his field?
A wealthy husband and wife go out for the evening. Before they leave, they give
their live-in butler the night off. Midway through their dinner, they get into
a fight, and the wife leaves in their car. She comes home, bolts the door
behind her and stampedes into the living room where she finds the butler on the
couch, watching TV. She gets between him and the TV, turns it off, and then
turns around to face him. In a very low, even, controlled voice, she says to
him: "Jeeves, I want you to unzip my dress and
take it off." And he does. Then she says to him: "Jeeves,
I want you to unclip my garters and roll down my stockings." And he does.
Then she says to him: "Jeeves, I want you to
reach around and unclasp my bra." And he does. Finally, she says: "Jeeves, I want you to take off my panties. And if I EVER
CATCH YOU IN MY CLOTHES AGAIN...."
Scene: A ritzy bar at the top of the space needle. An obviously drunk guy with
glasses at one end, a guy with a briefcase coming in to unwind, and the
bartender.
Scene opens:
Glasses: BARKEEP! 'Nother roun',
pleash! Make it a double Urp.
[briefcase sits down at bar]
Glasses: And one f'r m'frien'
here!
Briefcase: Hey thanks, man! Cheers.
[they both drink.]
Glasses: Y'know what I like 'bout the Spash Needle? I mean, beshides
the arch'teksher an' all.
Briefcase: It's tall?
Glasses: Yesh! 'tis.
Ver' tall.
Y'know wha' else?
Briefcase: Umm, no.
Glasses: Well, 's got a p'culiar
airflow to it. I mean, I could jump righ' ou' tha' winder, an' the win'd push ya righ'
back up!
Briefcase: Haw! Yeah right.
Glasses: No, really! Watch!
[Glasses gets up, falls over, and picks himself up. He
stumbles over to the window and jumps out. Moments later, he floats up and
lands back on the ledge.]
Briefcase: WOW! That's incredible! Let me try!
[Briefcase walks over to the window, looks back to see Glasses giving him the
thumbs up, and leaps out.]
[a distant THUMP is heard.]
Bartender: You know, Superman, you can be a real dick when you're drunk.
A drunk stumbling down the street sees a nun in full habit. He rushes her and knocks her down. Standing over her, he yells, "Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was
no great shakes but the reception was excellent.
The world's worst bandleader gets in a fight with his orchestra -- he's so bad
his players confront him. This piques his stereotypical conductor temper and he
throws a music stand at the first violinist, killing him. He's tried for murder
and gets sentenced to the electric chair. As he's led to the death chamber he's
asked if he's got any last requests. "One," he says, "I'd like a
fresh banana."
So he gets his banana, the guards put him in the chair and he proceeds to peel
and eat the banana, (miming this is key when you're telling the joke) puts the
peel in his front right pocket, settles in comfortably and with a smirk tells
the warden he's ready -- throw the switch. They throw that Frankenstein switch
they always have in the chair room and... nothing
happens!
The executioner's dumbfounded and they take him back to his cell to figure out
what went wrong. (It helps to mime the staff's reaction here, too.)
As in most jokes, this happens two or three more times, with the bandleader's
peeling actions and smirk becoming more exaggerated and the prison staff's
reaction becoming more dumbfounded each time. Finally the warden tells the
bandleader the governor is going to commute his sentence because trying to kill
him any more would be cruel and unusual punishment. "Just one thing,"
the warden asks, "the executioner wants to know how those bananas kept you
from getting killed."
"Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it," replies the bandleader.
"It's just that, you see," now with the biggest smirk yet, "I'm
a really lousy conductor."
Try your waitress, tip the veal, yada
yada yada.
I've got one more joke that is kind of safe but it only works in Greek -- it capitalizes on the language's use of the same term for "candle" and "suppository." Oh well.
Why don't blind people like to skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
A man's eating lunch in a restaurant. He calls the waiter
over and tells him, "I've got some bad news and some worse news -- which
do you want to hear first?"
The waiter opts to hear the merely bad news first.
"The bad news is there's a fly in my soup."
"Okay, what's the worse news?"
"It's the best part of the meal!"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some
important guests. The wife was all excited and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the
dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket
to gather some.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the
steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a
beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the
beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would
even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over
him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up
spending the night together.
At
The Chicken and the Egg are in bed. The Egg's dragging on a cigarette. Turns to the Chicken and says "well I guess that answers THAT question!"
Two boys are playing catch in
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. "Redskins Fan Saves
Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in
his notebook.
"But I'm not a Redskins fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in DC I just assumed you were," said the
reporter and he starts writing again. "Capitals Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack."
"I'm not a Capitals fan either," the boy said.
"Oh, I assumed everyone in DC was either for the Redskins or the Capitals.
What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little
Bastard From Dallas Kills Beloved Family Pet."
The 7 dwarfs are on holiday in
"Holy Father, please tell me something - are there any dwarf nuns in
"No my son, " replies the Pope, "There
are no dwarf nuns in
The other dwarves - including Grumpy - smirk quietly.
"But Holy Father - I *must* know - are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Eurpope?"
The Pope looks at Dopey gently. "No, I'm afraid there are no dwarf nuns in
Happy barely manages to smother a laugh. The others avoid making eye contact
with each other, so that they don't set each other off laughing...
Dopey wrings his hands desperately.
"There must be a dwarf nun somewhere. Holy Father please - isn't there at
least one dwarf nun somewhere in the World?"
The Pope closes his eyes and sighs. "I'm afraid that there are no dwarf
nuns anywhere, my Son."
Happy can contain himself no longer - he falls to the floor in hysterics,
clutching his sides. The other dwarves call out to Dopey:
"See - we told you that it was a penguin you slept with!"
There are two men who have been lost in the desert for
weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in
the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat
haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher
of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw
bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Moe" says the first bloke, "Ees
a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, my friend!" says Moe.
So Moe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of
food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of
machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Moe.
"Moe!! Moe!! What happened buddy?"
With his dying breath Moe calls out...."Ugh, run, my friend, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"
What would you rather bee or a wasp?
Somewhere in the
The ‘phone rings at the KGB headquarters:
"Da?"
Furtive voice: "My neighbour, Ivan Ivanovich, is an enemy of the state - he is hiding
undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."
"This will be noted."
Click.
The next day, the KGB go to Ivanovich ‘s house. They search the shed in which he keeps his firewood, breaking up all the wood they find to ensure that
they don’t miss anything. They find no diamonds, so they curse Ivanovich, and leave.
Later, Ivanovich’s telephone rings:
"Hello?"
"Hello, Peter! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes."
"Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch
ploughed"
I bought a box of animal crackers, and it said "Do not eat if seal is broken." I opened it up, and wouldn't you know...
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel in
early June, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," came the reply, "it’s the wrong season to have chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."
On a train to a large computer convention, there were a
bunch of computer programmers, and a crowd of computer engineers.
Each of the programmers had a ticket, whilst the engineers only had one ticket
between them. The programmers laughed at this, sure that the engineers would
get caught out, and kicked off the train.
When one of the engineers, the lookout, called "Here comes the conductor!", all of the engineers leapt up, crowded into the
toilet, and locked the door. The programmers sat there looking puzzled.
The conductor came into the carriage, and asked "Tickets please!",
and collected the tickets from each of the programmers. On his way to the next
carriage, the conductor passed the toilet cubicle and noted that it was locked.
He knocked on the door, and asked "Ticket please!" The engineers
pushed their ticket under the door, which the conductor collected.
When the conductor had gone, the engineers left the toilet, and returned to
their seats. The programmers felt really silly.
On the way back from the convention, the same two groups shared a carriage.
This time, the programmers decided to try the engineer’s method of saving
money, and only bought one ticket between them all. However, when the
programmers met the engineers, they noticed that they didn’t even have the one
ticket, so again, they laughed at them.
When the lookout called "Here comes the conductor!",
all of the engineers went into one toilet cubicle, and all the programmers
crowded into another.
Before the conductor actually came aboard, one of the engineers left their
cubicle, knocked on the programmer’s toilet, and asked "Ticket
please!"
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
I'm out at poker night, right after we got our Christmas
bonuses, and a terrible thing happens. After losing with four a kind, my friend
Collin drops dead of a heart attack.
So we have a discussion about who should tell his wife, and it's decided that
since I was his closest friend, I should be the one. On the drive to her house,
I'm pondering what I'm going to say to her.
I knock on their door, his wife answers, and I say "Collin just lost his
whole Christmas bonus on a single hand of poker."
She angrily replies "Tell that bastard to fuck off an
die."
I answer, "Okay, I'll tell him."
What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.
Guy and gal go on date to trattoria.
They arrive, they order and she disappears to powder her nose.
He waits 10 minutes...
He waits 20 minutes...
He waits half an hour!
'Will she ever return?' He sighs. When she eventually comes back, the food has
arrived and he's squiggling the pasta about with his fingers.
'What on earth do you think you are doing', she screams in disgust.
'I was just feeling cannelloni'
What's another word for thesaurus?
"My dog has no nose."
"Your dog has no nose?"
"Nope, no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"He can't; he has no nose!"
"Excuse me, but you've got a banana in your ear."
"Yes, I know!"
"Take my wife, for example."
This guy walks into a bar with a chicken and an alligator.
The guy says to the bartender "I'll have a Scotch and
soda." The alligator says "I'll have a Martini."
"That's amazing," says the bartender, "that
alligator can talk!"
"Actually," says the guy, "I'm a
ventriloquist."
I just flew in from the Coast. Gosh, it was a long flight.
Q: What do you call a banana peal?
A: A banana peal.
Q: How do you get off of an elephant?
A: You don't! You get off of a duck.
"Would you sleep with me for, oh, a
billion dollars?"
"You don't have a billion dollars!"
"Just hypothetically."
"Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess I would."
"Would you sleep with me for ten dollars?"
"Of course not!! I'm not that
kind of a person!"
"Oh! Sorry..."
There's an eight-year old boy named James, who's the only
son of a very wealthy widower.
A few days before James' ninth birthday, his father comes to him and says,
"James, your birthday's next week. You can have absolutely anything in the
world you want. What will it be?"
"Well, Dad," says James, "I'd like a pink ping-pong ball."
"A what?" says his dad.
"A pink ping-pong ball," repeats James.
So, James' dad gives a non-committal response and walks away. Since a pink
ping-pong ball is hardly a fitting birthday gift, he goes out that day and buys
the fastest, neatest bicycle he can possibly fine.
On James' birthday, his dad gives him the bike. And he really loves it. He
rides it all around the grounds of their mansion, and really has a blast. But,
what he really wanted was that pink ping-pong ball.
Soon enough, it's the week before James' twelfth birthday. Again, his father
comes to him and asks what he'd like.
"Well, Dad," says James, "I'd really like a pink ping-pong
ball."
"Are you sure there isn't something else you'd like?" asks his dad.
"No, I really just want a pink ping-pong ball."
So again his father gives a non-committal response, and goes away.
On his birthday this year, James receives a brand-new, next-generation video game
system and a copy of every game published for it. James loves the crap out of
that video game, and plays it constantly for weeks on end. But, even as he's
kicking alien ass, he can't help but feel a little disappointed that he didn't
get his pink ping-pong ball.
Three days before James' sixteenth birthday, his father comes to him and asks
what he'd like.
"Well, Dad," says James, "I'd really like a pink ping-pong
ball."
"You ask for that every year, James. And, I'm not getting it for you. It's
not a fitting birthday gift," says his father somewhat angrily.
James' father rushes out that day, goes to the dealership, and buys his son an
absolutely top-of-the-line Ferrari. He brings it home and hands James the keys.
James really loves the car, and drives it everywhere for years. He gets into
street racing, and wins not a few of his challenges. But, as much fun as the sportscar is, he really wishes he could have just gotten
the pink ping-pong ball.
On James' twenty-first birthday, his father again comes to him and asks that
fateful question.
"Well, Dad," says James, "What I'd really like is a pink
ping-pong ball."
"Absolutely not, James!" his father roars, "That's not a
birthday present fit for my boy. I'm retiring soon, and you'll be made head of
the company. What kind of a chairman asks for ping-pong balls? Go to Chez
Michael in the city. Your birthday party is there. Open bar, and I've already
invited all of your friends."
So James goes to his party and has a really excellent time, drinking and
dancing with his friends. But, the whole time he wishes his dad had just gotten
him a pink ping-pong ball.
Well, on his way home from the party, James, not a little drunk, runs his
speeding Ferrari into an oak tree. He's thrown through the windshield, and out
onto the highway. A passing motorist calls 911, and the police and
They call James' father, and tell him the horrible news. He drives like a bat
out of hell and within minutes, he's arrived at the scene. Tears streak down
his face as he kneels next to his son.
"James," he says, "I love you."
"I love you too, Dad," says James.
"There's one thing I have to know," says his father, "Why did
you always ask for a pink ping-pong ball?"
"Well, Dad," says James, "I'll tell you--"
At that moment, James dies.
[…quickly leave the room]
Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner?
His wife gave him the cold shoulder.
A guy goes into the doctor's office, feeling terrible. After examining him, the
doc says: "The news isn't good. You don't have much time left."
"Oh God!" the man says. "How long do I have?"
"Ten," says the doc.
"Ten? Ten what? Years? Months? What, doc?"
"Nine. Eight..."
Question: What kind of fish has no eyes?
Answer: A fsh
Q. Where do generals keep their armies?
A. In their sleevies!
Two silk worms were in a race.
It ended in a tie.
A man is walking along the beach when he finds a lamp. He
rubs it and out comes a genie. The genie says, 'For releasing me I will grant
thee three wishes.' The man thinks and says, 'I wish for health and wealth for
all myself and all the people I care about.'. The
genie snaps his fingers and says 'done'. The man is amazed and impressed and
decides to do something for mankind. He says, 'I wish for world peace!'. The genie squints at him a second then snaps his finger
and says, 'it is so.'. For his third wish the man
thinks for a while until he has a eureka moment and
says, 'My entire life I've wanted to see
Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick!
Two nuns driving home late on Hallowe'en,
a bit freaked out and looking out for anything spooky. Suddenly a vampire lands
on the window screen with a blood curdling scream.
The nun who's driving shouts "Quick, Olivia, show
him your cross".
Olivia winds the window down and screams [top of your voice] "Get off the
fucking car you baaastard!"
What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
Well anyone can roast beef . . .
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; the conditions of the
light bulb are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence
are the work of naysayers and doubters in the liberal
media. The light bulb is performing an honorable service to the American
people, and those who question its efficacy are only lending aid and support to
the darkness, hampering the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!
My friend came up to me and said he was seeing these red and white dots swirling around in front of his eyes. I said, "Yikes! have you seen a doctor?" He said, "No, just these red and white spots."
Horse sense: An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
I thangyew.